What Do You Really Want? Understand The Desires We All Share | Charlotte Fox Weber

With curiosity we can figure out what we actually want. Sometimes what we desire makes us feel uncomfortable, and as a therapist, our guest Charlotte Fox Weber makes space for that discomfort. Join us as she highlights her observations from the therapist's chair.

“I think curiosity is a life force. It engages us, it galvanizes us, it's inspiring, and it gets us to pay attention.” ~ Charlotte Fox Weber

Many people see a therapist to help them work through psychological issues. But have you ever considered what the dynamic is like from the point of view of the therapist? If you were a fly on the wall, what would you observe behind the closed doors? 

Charlotte Fox Weber brings a unique perspective to the therapist-client relationship. Her new book “Tell Me What You Want: A Therapist and Her Clients Explore Our 12 Deepest Desires”: https://amzn.to/3ZJ9XUl, expertly pulls out recurring themes from her years as a therapist which are beautifully illustrated with captivating stories.

According to Charlotte, we each have 12 fundamental psychological needs that we all share but often hide. These universal desires are: to love and be loved; understanding, power, attention, freedom; to create, to belong, to win, to connect, to control; and to want what we shouldn’t. With her experience as a therapist, Charlotte is aiming to help us navigate our desires through curiosity and authenticity. If we can more accurately acknowledge what we actually want, we can live a more fulfilled life.

“The 12 desires I describe, all have to do with recognition.” ~ Charlotte Fox Weber

Our interview with Charlotte was recorded a few weeks ago when Tim Houlihan was unwell, so our producer Mary Kaliff joins Kurt on this episode as co-host of the show. But you’ll be pleased to know that Tim is doing much better now and you’ll be hearing his familiar voice on all upcoming episodes again!

 

Topics 

(1:56) Welcome and speed round questions.

(4:09) Why is it so hard for us to say what we want?

(8:14) Why curiosity is so important in therapy.

(11:37) The 12 desires that we each experience.

(13:27) Do we have desires that stay consistent throughout our life?

(18:22) How do we reconcile all of our identities?

(20:14) Why do we struggle holding two truths simultaneously?

(25:42) How jazz music helps us appreciate the notes unplayed.

(29:50) Of the 12 desires, which one makes us most uncomfortable?

(33:53) The cost of giving or paying attention.

(36:39) Grooving session with Kurt and Mary.

 

© 2023 Behavioral Grooves

 

Links 

Charlotte Fox Weber: https://charlottefoxweber.com/ 

Charlotte’s book: “Tell Me What You Want: A Therapist and Her Clients Explore Our 12 Deepest Desires”: https://amzn.to/3ZJ9XUl 

Shankar Vedantam TED Talk “You don't actually know what your future self wants”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtfaccGmCCs 

Episode 325, Can You Unlearn History And Still Love Your Country? With Dolly Chugh: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/dolly-chugh/ 

Episode 178, Kwame Christian: On Compassionate Curiosity, Social Justice Conversations, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/kwame-christian-on-compassionate-curiosity-social-justice-conversations-and-cinnamon-toast-crunch/ 

Episode 344, How To Frame Incentives To Drive The Desired Behavior with James Castello: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/incentives-to-drive-behavior/ 

Episode 237, Attention: How to Capture It and Keep It with Ben Parr: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/attention-with-ben-parr/ 

Episode 303, From Distracted To Focused: Nir Eyal’s Secrets On How To Be Indistractable: https://behavioralgrooves.com/episode/nir-eyal-how-to-be-indistractable/ 

Behavioral Grooves Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/behavioralgrooves

 

Musical Links 

Nina Simone “Feeling Good”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHRNrgDIJfo